The Old Testament is fucked up, which is probably why I’d rather read it than the hippie nonsense in the New Testament. Sure, Jesus had his moments of badassery, but he didn’t play cruel pranks on his followers to test their devotion like his old man did. Perhaps the most insane of God’s shenanigans was convincing Abraham to murd-, ahem,”sacrifice” his son. What’s more insane is the fact two dudes decided to create a video game based on this legendary tale of prolicide, The Binding of Isaac.

Like his Biblical predecessor, Isaac is up for a holy sacrifice in the name of our Ever-Loving God. However, instead of a pious father being asked to do the deed, it’s a Christian television obsessed mother. Of course Isaac is scared out of his mind, so he decides to hide, naked and crying in shame, in the basement – a basement teeming with monsters, traps, and feces.

Yes. Feces. Poop or shit, if you’re nasty.

Gameplay is simple and awesome: roam around randomly generated dungeons killing baddies with Isaac’s tears using twin-stick shooter controls (think Smash T.V.), collect power-ups and life-hearts a la Zelda, and take on some seriously ugly bosses. Yes, it is tough (death means starting over at the beginning), but the minimalist level design and simple controls are easy to grasp, and losing hardly ever feels like it came at the hand of cheap mechanics. Indeed, no matter how many times Isaac met his demise, I always felt compelled to continue playing and get better.

Thanks to Isaac’s roguelike pedigree, every retry is a new experience, and I’m not just talking about the dungeon layout. Each time I played I discovered new, weird power-ups, like pills that make Isaac fart bombs, or toothpicks that he jabs into his eyes to make his bloody tears cause more damage. I also found grotesque new creatures to fight, the oddest being these trench coat monsters that “flash” Isaac and reveal vaginal-shaped orifices that shoot out sharp-toothed maggots. No, I’m not joking.

I don’t know why it has taken me so long to actually get around to playing this game. After all, the blasphemous concept, crude visuals, morbid humor, and arcade-style gameplay are right up my alley. I’m also a sucker for secrets and unlockables, and Isaac is stuffed with both, but not in such a way that using a walkthrough is necessary to find them.  In short, this game is a blast and hopefully it doesn’t take me another three years to play the sequel.